Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
