the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize