If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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