Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
