areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
