shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I woke up under a house in Key West
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
