I think i sorta joined a cult last night
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
