It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
