don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
