Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
