So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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