its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
