The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
