i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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