did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
The cops high fived after they tackled you
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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