First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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