God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
