The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
