On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
