he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
