It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
