I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
