Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
