Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
