How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
