Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
