you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
