had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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