We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Can you bring me the toilet please
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
