All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
