woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
