So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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