I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
