hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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