You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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