something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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