i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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