nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
