wakey wakey hands off snakey
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
