dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
