You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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