Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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