it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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