his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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