What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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