My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
