Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
50% drunk capacity currently
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
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