you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
