ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
