I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Randomize
