I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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