people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
