its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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