i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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