life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Is Oprah even human
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
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