Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
