Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
