I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
