ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize