Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
