Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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